healthy relationships are a bore - according to a reformed chaos addict

how to stop settling for chaos and start choosing love that actually works

I’ve been dating for a long time — almost 20 years, to be exact.
That means I’ve encountered a lot of fellas. All kinds: different personalities, temperaments, attachment styles, communication habits, compatibilities, incompatibilities — you name it. At this point, I’ve seen it all. Or at least it feels like I have.

Maybe you have too. Maybe you haven’t. Either way, I want to talk about something no one warns you about:

Healthy relationships? They can feel... boring.
Especially if you’ve been the kind of person (like me) who’s drawn to breadcrumby, situationship-lovin’ men (or women). Or — on the opposite end — the love bombers. You know the type: gifting early, ready to "put a ring on it" by week two, then suddenly gets weird when you don’t match their energy (because like... who could keep up that pace?) or vanishes completely.

What I’m describing is the push-pull dynamic:

You’re avoidant and I’m anxious, so I cling…then you run.

Or you’re the anxious one, texting consistently, showing up with feelings — and I’m avoidant, catching the ick and thinking, "Jesus, learn some independence."

At the end of the day? We’re all a little f*cked up.
We all have attachment styles — and hopefully, we’re working on healing them.

The goal is secure attachment: where independence and connection both feel okay.

That’s where I’m at now — kind of. It’s taken me decades to get here, and I’m still working on it.

I’ve dated the Houdinis — the ones who ghost as soon as I show the slightest interest. And I’ve pushed away the healthy ones because it didn’t feel chaotic enough. I honestly had no idea what love was supposed to feel like.

My definition of love? Completely f*cked.
It wasn’t until I started therapy and reprogramming my nervous system that I realized:

CHAOS IS NOT A NORMAL PART OF LOVE.

Seriously.
It’s not supposed to be:

• constant arguing

• cheating and forgiving

• silent treatments

• begging someone to get sober

• “settling” because you think you have to be with someone at “this point” in your life

No. That was survival, not love.

Now — this isn’t to say real love is conflict-free.
There will be disagreements. But now, we handle them. With compromise. With respect. With understanding.

Because healthy love is chosen, not needed.
And when you don’t need someone to complete you, you choose better. You look for someone who complements you — or better yet, someone who makes you more you.

So what does this require?

1. Work on self-love, baby.

Love the f*ck outta yourself. Not so much that you lose humility, but enough that you don’t fall apart when someone leaves. You know who you are. You’re lovable. Unique. The right people? They stay — effortlessly.

Here’s what that looks like:

• Celebrate your strengths and quirks. Write down things you like about yourself — your humor, your kindness, your grit. Keep that list handy for when self-doubt creeps in.

• Set boundaries like a boss. Loving yourself means saying no to things and people that don’t serve your well-being. Boundaries protect your energy and show others how to treat you.

• Practice self-care rituals. Whether it’s journaling, meditation, binge-watching your favorite show, or dancing around your room, do things that recharge your soul.

• Silence your inner critic. Notice when you’re being harsh on yourself, and challenge those thoughts. What would you say to a friend in your shoes? Give yourself the same kindness.

• Know your worth isn’t tied to anyone else. You are lovable, whole, and unique — with or without a partner. When you believe this deep down, the right people come and stay effortlessly.

Self-love isn’t selfish. It’s the foundation for every healthy relationship you want.

2. Learn your attachment style.

Your attachment style is how you naturally relate to intimacy and connection — usually shaped by early experiences with caregivers. Common styles include:

• Anxious: You crave closeness but often worry about being abandoned.

• Avoidant: You value independence and may pull away when others get too close.

• Secure: You feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

Start noticing your dating and relationship patterns — write them down if it helps. For example, if someone shows interest and it gives you the “ick,” ask yourself why. What if someone confuses you with inconsistent behavior, but you’re still kind of into it? Both to me might mean you’re stuck in a cycle of chaos instead of being ready for real, steady love.

If that’s the case, it’s okay to pause and stop going on dates until you’re truly open to receiving healthy love. No judgment — just honest self-awareness.

3. Find love expanders.

What’s a “love expander”? It’s someone — whether in real life, on TikTok, or TV — who shows you what healthy love actually looks like. The couple that laughs while cooking together. The partner who speaks gently. The friends who give each other space and connection.

Some might think of Big and Carrie from Sex and the City — so romantic, right? JK. They’re basically the poster children for anxious-avoidant dynamics. Definitely not the example to follow.

Think more along the lines of Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, or Sam and Monica on TikTok.

The more you notice healthy love, the more you’ll start seeing it everywhere — and eventually, you’ll believe it’s possible for you too.

4. Get clear on what you want right now.

Reminder: you do not need a partner.
So take off the pressure. Ask yourself: What do I actually want in this season of life?

Maybe it’s a deeper relationship with yourself.
Maybe it’s better friends.
Maybe it’s a casual thing. A f*ck buddy. A sugar daddy. No shame. Just honesty.

Once you’re honest with you, you can be honest with everyone else. And that? That’s where the good stuff starts.

So here’s to doing the work, setting the bar, and finally loving the love you deserve.

.<3